Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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