Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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