you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cut my penus on the lid.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
