I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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