this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
