Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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