oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
