I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Randomize
