I'm lost and stupid without you.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
