I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
