So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
