I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
