I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
