we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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