Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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