I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
