I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
