I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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