I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
