Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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