On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
