A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
