So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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