The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
