I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
