I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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