I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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