1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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