Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
