It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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