just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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