I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
