Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
