They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
