He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
