I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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