Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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