It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
