You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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