Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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