smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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