It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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