his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
