There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
