Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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