dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
