guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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