I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
