Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
