im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
