Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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