walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
