why didn't you poke me back
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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