I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
