The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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