I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
