i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
