My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
