Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
