I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
