You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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