Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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