I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
