Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
